Welcome to my first conpoint Q&A!

Thanks so much to those who reached out this first round and humored me with some questions. 😛 Just because your question isn’t included below doesn’t mean I won’t use it in the next one! :p I’m collecting Qs on a rolling basis, so as long as the link is working, please keep sending your anonymous questions ⇢ HERE ⇠

I’m all ears! 🐰 Now let’s hop to it, punny rabbit… *cringesmiles*

1. Do you think love is a choice? As in, do you think we’re all work-in-progresses, and therefore imperfect, and there’s no perfect fantasy person for you out there? What defines a healthy relationship to you? I think a healthy relationship is one where you show up every day and actively choose to support your partner’s decisions and self-improvement journey, while working on your own.

Love is not a choice, but your life that revolves around it is. This includes the sacrifices you make for love, who you choose to be in a relationship, and most importantly, your priorities and boundaries in love.

We’re well beyond fantasy love these days. I think everyone understands there’s no Mr. or Mrs. Perfect. The hard part now is: “Who is good enough?”

I don’t believe loving someone is enough of a reason stay with them—I actually think that’s the most bullshit justification for staying in a relationship. You can love anyone, it doesn’t mean it’s the good kind.

Love is an ingredient for a relationship, it cannot be the recipe.

I’m so glad you called out healthy relationships! Your definition is spot-on—a healthy relationship is one where you are an active advocate for you and your partner’s growth. It’s also one where you support their *smart* decisions. Sure, subjective.

I think you can unconditionally love a person without unconditionally supporting all their decisions. We’re human, we make bad calls sometimes, and it is invaluable to have people in your corner who love you enough to call you out.

• Healthy love is one where both partners can openly communicate their needs and concerns.
• Healthy love is when you both contribute your best selves to the relationship, in your own unique ways.
• Healthy love is when you are unquestionably appreciated for who you are and all you do for the other person.

Here are my red flags for unhealthy love:

• You feel like your partner doesn’t *see* or *hear* you sometimes, like your presence has less weight than theirs.
• You find yourself questioning whether this is truly a partnership, ex. You invest a lot, they invest a little.
• People who know you best express concern about your well-being in the relationship.
• You have those fleeting thoughts that you deserve a better situation, a better life.
• You are motivated to stay with this person because you contrast it with being alone, and that scares you.

None of these definitive deal-breakers, but they are feelings to recognize and take seriously.

Only you can assess your relationship. Only you can understand the inside perspective. Only you can prevent forest fires (had to!).

Love is both hard work and an effortless decision, if that makes sense.

You can’t choose the love you receive, but you can always choose the love you’re willing to accept.

I hope for you that it is only the most healthy and fulfilling kind. 💛

2. Do you want to have children? Can you please comment on the decision to have children for a woman in the age range of 28-40? I am consistently thinking about this decision I feel I am faced with and coming to an understanding with myself and my partner. I’m currently leaning towards not wanting to have children given my lack of interest. My partner is very interested and believes that I am not ready yet. If I were to have children, I would be very happy to have them with him, however, and that is the contributing factor to my pro-children side. My thoughts are very scattered as you can probably tell, but I’m very interested to hear the perspectives of others in my similar situation (not that you are necessarily).

*sigh* I feel this very much and thank you for asking this question.

I don’t know if I want children.
I’m also leaning toward No because I’ve never liked babies or kids, and I can’t imagine eagerly stepping into the role of a mother. *pulls burnt peach cobbler out of the oven* At the same time, I may just not be ready now. If I found out having a family was not an option for me in the future, I would be disappointed.

I’m very torn, too, clearly. I know my boyfriend likes kids, and wants a son he can play with one day. But I can’t say I’ve ever fantasized about having my own children.

Like you, part of my motivation would be my partner. I think he’d be a great father. Then again, I’m also too awesome of a person *not* to pass on my wisdom and good genes. 😉

I am 26 and keenly aware that I have <4 years to decide whether I want to give birth (if I am even able), before time starts working against me. And that’s fucking scary.

To answer your second question: No, I won’t comment on that decision because it is none of my business what another woman chooses to do with her body between the ages of 0-100+. 🙂

What I will say is there is an increased risk when giving birth after the age of 30. This is science, not my opinion. Do women in their 30s+ give birth to healthy children? All the time! I’m simply saying there’s a risk to be acknowledged, and I have no authority to decide whether another couple should or should not take that risk. That is up to you and your partner, with the consultation of a medical professional.

My stance on deciding to have children at all is the same as obtaining sexual consent: if it’s not enthusiastic, don’t go through with it. This isn’t deciding to buy a lamp at Ikea, where passive acceptance is okay. This is claiming responsibility for a human being for 18+ years and ideally, loving them for life. Parenthood is unfathomably hard (from my outsider observation). You cannot choose what hardships you’ll face as a parent, but you can choose whether that hardship is worth it to you.

Especially as a woman, I understand it’s taboo to openly say you don’t to be a mother. I’m telling you: it is okay to live your life. It is okay not to want children for any reason or no reason at all. It’s like cilantro. You don’t need a fucking reason. You like it or you don’t.

Between you and your partner, openly discuss this question:

• For the sake of our long-term happiness as individuals, does it make sense for us to stay together or part ways?

Say everything on your mind. Cry. Explain. Hug. Name your priorities. Name the regrets you don’t want in life.

This is no easy conversation, but it will only get harder the longer you delay it. You and your partner each deserve to pursue the lives you want, and if your future plans don’t align, it’s better to know sooner rather than later.

You can love someone dearly and not be on the same page. That is okay.

Check out this Reddit thread about couples who are 50+ who chose not to have children. What hurts to read? What resonates with you?

I sincerely hope for the best outcome for you and your partner, whatever path that may be. 💛

3. What is your take on women not choosing to give birth and adopting? My spouse & I have been pondering around adoption — but the wife isn’t sure if she wants to give birth or adopt. And [I’m] like, it’s your choice first — whatever you go choose. I just want a kid whenever we are ready (probably in a 2-3 yr timeline).

I’ve answered some of your question above, but to add on, I think adoption is a wonderful option for those who are open to it. Providing a loving home and second chance for a child in the foster care system is amazing, and I commend you for considering it. Until there are zero kids in the system, I think all couples and single expectant parents should discuss the possibility of adoption, even if the ultimate decision is no.

It’s great that you are being patient and supportive of your spouse’s decision — sounds like the ball is in her court right now. You mentioned a timeline of 2-3 years before you two are ready, is your spouse is onboard with that timeline as well?

It’s worth considering whether her indecision is about “giving birth vs. adopting” OR the decision to have children at all.

As you read above, a great partner can be a motivator for someone who didn’t initially want children. Please revisit this to be 100% you two are pondering the same question right now.

Understand she may never be ready. Understand she may be afraid to tell you, for fear of losing you.

Understand you are in no way a bad person if you must end the relationship over this.

It’s not an ultimatum—it’s you being a responsible person who is trying to respect the wishes of two separate people with two separate ideas of the future.

If having a kid—biological or adopted—is a non-negotiable for you, be honest about that. Start a conversation where your wife feels safe to express her true feelings as well. There are many things you compromise on in a relationship, but children should not be one of them if either of you feels adamantly.

You’ve been flexible about this decision, but know you have a say, too. This is also your parenthood, your life. Two or three years will be here before you know it, but that decision will shape the life you live 20 years from now.

Make the necessary decision, not the easy one. Your future self will thank you.

If you are both truly onboard with having a family, write a pros and cons list for giving birth vs. adopting. Write these lists independently first, then have an open discussion about each of your lists.

Beyond that, do either of you know parents who have adopted? I can only offer so much advice as a childless adult, so maybe hearing someone else’s experience will be helpful. Even the experience of those who were adopted themselves. You also have the option to consider adoption AND giving birth if you want multiple kids.

It’s clear that having a family is important to you. Throughout all these discussions, remember what is important at the end of the day. Then you’ll make the right decision.

Wish you and your future fam the absolute best! 💛

4. How is sex with your boyfriend different from previous flings? What is better? Worse?

Sex, I believe, has always been an emotional thing for me. When I was single, I went through a phase where I didn’t treat it as such, and as a result, it caused me a lot of sadness.

There were times I expected partners to treat me as someone they loved instead just someone they just made love to, and those were poor expectations to have.

When I was 19 (in my last committed relationship before now), I remember playing a drinking game and saying, “Never have I ever had sex with someone I didn’t love.”

When that statement was no longer true, I entered a pretty bitter stage of my life of both wanting and resenting love.

Through late-college and early adulthood, I went through the motions of dating or whatever the fuck “we’re talking” means. I took what I could get, which was mostly emotionally detached sex (from either me, him, or both).

Even though casual sex didn’t fulfill me emotionally, it did satisfy the part of me that pined for “the chase.” I had a pretty male mindset of hooking up—I loved bar-hopping, scoping out the place, and rising to the challenge of “getting” someone I had my eye on. I was enthralled by the prospect of a conquest.

As someone who was addicted to the novelty of someone new and doing something for the story, I wound up chasing experiences and people that didn’t necessarily fulfill me in ways that mattered, living for a bucket list of hook-up stories that were retold with more fervor than what I experienced in real-time.

If I had to compare sex with flings to sex with my boyfriend, I’d say the former makes me feel accomplished and whereas the latter makes me feel adored.

When I have sex with my current boyfriend, the attraction feels continuous. I feel desired before, during, and after sex. It feels like the most wholesome non-wholesome thing two people can do. It’s a level of comfort and vulnerability I’ve never reached with my exes, to no fault of theirs or mine. We were simply less compatible.

I’m now able to be completely honest, relaxed, and open about what I like and need, and as a result, I’m having the most satisfying sex I’ve ever had. I never thought I would get over my novelty phase, that penchant for limitless variety, but there comes a point where quality trumps quantity.

There is no right way to enjoy sex, and you can enjoy it in multiple ways. There is no shame in casual sex. There is no shame in committing to one person or even saving yourself for marriage.

To me, fling sex vs. relationship sex is like comparing the thrill of skinny dipping vs. the feel-good jitters of all your best friends showing up for your surprise birthday party. Playful banter vs. a deep conversation.

Sex is a personal choice, and personally, I prefer what I have right now.

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Ask me anything here <– As long as the link is active, I am getting notifications when new Qs come and will answer the most interesting ones in my next Q&A. Thanks for your questions, they’re really intriguing!

Photos courtesy of Tan Danh, Josh Willink, and Kaboompics from Pexels