It’s 2021 and I’m 28 years old. I’ve been working for 7 years since graduating college in 2014 and this is my first real career break. I’m still employed, BUT it’s the first time in my adult life I haven’t been working for 4+ weeks straight (gratitude to my employer for working with me to arrange this). To properly reflect on how this upcoming month will change my perspective, I’m going to answer the same questions at the beginning and end of my 1-month career break.

I’m on Day 3 of my break. Had to spend the first couple days totally vegging out and resting. Right now, I’m on the patio of the Greater Goods Coffee Shop on 5th and Pedernales Street in Austin, sweating my ass off because indoor seating is closed due to COVID.

1. How do you feel about work?

Work is a necessary evil. Work is necessary. I can respect that it brings me closer to my goal of financial independence. Money-motivated work and I are not compatible though. Fire and ice. Oil and water. I’m willing to do a job well, but don’t think for a second it means I’ve bought into the idea we were meant to live this way — 40+ hours a week until our late 60s, a couple weeks of “time off” if we’re lucky.

I consider any work that is intrinsically enjoyable to be a hobby or a passion. As soon as we monetize it, it becomes a job, which to me feels like a chore. I don’t think I would enjoy a writing job any more than a recruiting job. It’s all forced labor at the end of the day. The reason I enjoy hobbies like writing is because I have complete freewill, all deadlines are self-imposed, and the work/joy is completely separate from my money.

The ideal FI/RE doesn’t stand for “retire early.” It stands for recreational employment. Money needs to be an afterthought for me to truly enjoy my job, which means I need to become Financially Independent before I entertain Recreational Employment. Well, maybe it’s a sliding scale as I get closer. I’m still figuring this part out.

2. How do you feel about money?

The pursuit of money is going to unlock more valuable parts in me. I used to say I loved money, but that’s not entirely true. I love the freer version of myself. I love when I have an abundance mindset. Money isn’t just a tool for living a better life. It’s a way of showing ourselves how powerful we are. And that’s never been determined by a dollar amount.

I still struggle breaking the tie between my earning power & my self worth though. It’s hard when it’s so intertwined with doing good work and being rewarded in a professional setting. I wonder if I’m slowly becoming too money-centric/greedy. People praise wealth-building for its ability to break generational curses and create opportunities, but it can also be an addiction. Like other addictions, if you haven’t experienced it firsthand, it’s difficult to explain why stopping is so hard.

3. What are your thoughts around financial independence?

Everybody wants it, but not everybody knows it. (🎶 Everybody dies but not everybody lives!) Money not being an issue opens up options for everyone. No matter what your life purpose, your dream becomes more attainable when you aren’t dealing with financial anxiety or insecurity. Having money allows you to focus on what you want, not what you need. It gives you the capacity to pursue engagements beyond your basic necessities.

I can’t wait to be fully financially independent. It’ll be bittersweet since I do enjoy the journey. Even as I’m building more of a safety net, I feel more control over my life. I have options. I have Fuck You money. Financial stability feels like reclaiming power from your employer:

“I’m not scared of you anymore. You wanna fucking try me today? Try me. Let’s see what happens.” *shakes my tiny fist at the air*

4. What’s the hardest thing about not being financially independent yet?

I’m a writer, which means I value self-expression. I love being able to say what I think, unfiltered. But in today’s digital age, where the boundaries between work and home life are eroding and every fleeting opinion is documented for eternity on social media, it’s increasingly hard to be two separate versions of yourself. Hell, it’s nearly impossible to shed your younger online persona, let alone the Current You that exists outside of work. When an employer hires you, they are hiring all of you, whether you/they like it or not. Anything you say publicly outside of work hours can be held against you. So when we talk about being “someone else” to hold down a job, you aren’t being that person for 40 hours. You have to be them 24/7.

It feels wildly oppressive to me—that to some degree I have to change who I am, what I stand for just to survive. That’s some bullshit. The thing I’m looking forward to most when I’m financially independent is not freedom of speech, but freedom from consequence.

5. What do you enjoy about still being on your money journey?

I think the Come Up story is inspirational. Humble beginnings. Overcoming adversity. I have a weird obsession with meeting the definition of “self-made,” which is so subjective/doesn’t really exist. I come from a lot of privilege (being raised by two parents, no student loans, being White-adjacent as a Chinese American, etc.) so I fear whenever I reach success, people can discredit my accomplishments. Maybe that’s why I’m so inclined toward hardship—to have some battle scars I can point to and say, “Hey! See? I struggled, too.”

We never make it alone though. I’m grateful for the community I’ve gained through my money journey, both strangers and reconnecting with friends/acquaintances in a new way.

I also enjoy how conflicted I feel right now about work & money. Because that relatability is what some people need to make changes in their own lives. I will get to the other side of this. And once I do, I’m coming like a monster truck for all the people who need that push, too.

6. How do you feel about your finances?

I feel proud of where I am financially. I have a substantial portion of my assets in the stock market working for me. My emergency fund could be beefed up, to be honest. It’s about 2-3 months of basic living expenses. Not awesome for pandemic times. I’m in the middle of reading “I Will Teach You To Be Rich” by Ramit Sethi and it feels nice that I’m already employing many of his recommendations. It feels like I’m on track. The biggest thing I need to work on is probably my mindset around spending money without guilt.

Ramit recommends allocating 20-35% of your income toward leisure spending. From my Jan 2021 to May 2021 data, I spend about 8.5% of my income on fun stuff (eating out, clothes, beauty, crafts & hobbies, and such).

My financial IQ is strong. My financial EQ? Needs improvement. The reason I’m so frugal is I can’t imagine any short-term expense that would bring me as much joy as never working again. Gotta find that balance.

7. How is your physical health?

I went to the chiropractor the other day for my 2nd adjustment. *Crack crack* My upper back has been killing me for a year+. Probably a mix of slouching over my laptop and not having an ergo setup. When I joined my current company, my physical health took a hit. I was way more sedentary than before. The sheer stress of being at hyper-growth company and always rushing to the next thing…I haven’t been taking care of my body the way I’d like. I did start running in January though. Been starting my mornings with it this week. (#conpointrun2021 on IG) Running has felt really good for processing my thoughts and anger.

8. How is your mental health & spirit?

*Sigh* I think I’m in a stable place now. But Q1 was an absolute shitshow. The light at the end of the tunnel for me was this break. I don’t know how I’d be if I didn’t have this time to myself. I’ve never been more worried for my mental health.

In Mandarin Chinese, there’s this word “mìng” — Google translates it to “life” but I think it’s closer to a soul, but deeper. Like the essence, heart, and humanity of person all wrapped into one. It’s one of those words I learned growing up where I couldn’t figure out the English translation. I don’t think it exists. It felt like my mìng was deteriorating this year and I was just watching it die.

When I was a kid, my mom talked about how some people don’t just trade their time for money, they gamble with their mìng.

Innocent me: “Why would anyone do that? I’ll never be one of those miserable adults.”

Adult me: AHAHAHHAHAHAH

9. How do you feel about where you are in life?

I think this month off will be one of the most transformative periods of my 20s, and even 30s. I’m happy with my on-paper accomplishments. The fact that I haven’t quit recruiting yet is fucking mind-blowing. I must hate or love myself. Probably both. I appreciate my grit & big picture mentality when it comes to designing my life. I’m very excited to see where I’ll be in 5 years. I’m excited to be where I am now.

10. What’s one thing you would change about your personality?

I have a lot of fury. About many things. Even as I’m editing this post, I’m like, “Maybe I should calm the eff down before I hit Publish.” Sometimes, it feels like if I weren’t this angry at the workforce, I wouldn’t be on this doggish, desperate pursuit for financial independence. If I weren’t this angry, would I be having an easier time? Could I enjoy my job & my life more if I didn’t think of it as a dire situation to escape? I’m absolutely pissed at least a couple times a day. But I’ve felt it for so long, I don’t know if I’ve confused it for passion or vitality. My passion for finance is a euphemism for my extreme resentment toward work and American hustle culture.

11. What’s one aspect of your personality you would share with others?

The way I love myself. The intensity. The loyalty I have for myself.

“Isn’t it cool how we get to wake up and be in the same person’s body everytime?” I asked my sister once.

“How else would it be?”

“If every 24 hours, we woke up as a different person, we would have no incentive to invest in our future.”

When we have the privilege of being ourselves every time, why wouldn’t we try to build a good future? Sometimes, I worry I love Future Connie too much. I could spare some of that love for Present Connie.

12. How do you feel about your work persona?

“Work Connie” is my professional persona. I created her because I quickly understood that my natural self couldn’t compete with the her earning potential, at least not in the context of performative, corporate environments. Work Connie generally knows how to say and do the right thing. She observes how other people get ahead at work and she mimics the behavior. It’s almost like Machine Learning—Work Connie is Artificial [Professional] Intelligence.

How do I feel about her? Hmm. Work Connie’s motivation is making money. And I don’t think anyone that obsessed with money can really be trusted on a personal level. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate what she’s done for me, but she is programmed to do the self-interested thing, not necessarily the right thing. Her code: I walk the path of least resistance to money. I’ve felt turmoil around whether it was morally corrupt to have a Work Persona.

Me: “Isn’t that kinda two-faced? Insincere?”

Work Connie: “Some of us have bills, Connie. You gonna pay those with your true colors? That’s what I thought. Now shut up and take me to work, we’re late.”

13. How do you feel about your authentic self?

I admire her courage, but I wonder if it’s misplaced. Authentic Me (I also call this conpoint) gets the glory while Work Connie gets to be made out as the Bad Guy. Work Connie bankrolls the safety net people often mistake as bravery. It’s easy to be “brave” when you have money to fall back on. It’s easy to risk something like a job when you can afford to lose it.

All in all, she’s aight. XD Authentic self can be lost once you start gaining a “platform” on social. I kinda hate that. While it’s awesome to be able to reach more people through writing, I don’t like the idea that people stop seeing me as a person. Even the terms content creator, financial blogger, finfluencer (as in financial influencer *gag*)…feel so jobby. Like I’m suppose to stand for certain things or be an Official Brand©. The evolution of a person becoming a business. Woof. I just want to say things with the normal liabilities & consequences, not the corporate ones? All the roses and thorns of putting yourself out there, I suppose. Yes, I accept the Terms & Conditions.

My passion for finance is a euphemism for my extreme resentment toward work and American hustle culture.

14. Are you happy?

In this moment, I am. I take a long time to write, so I’m no longer at the coffeeshop in Austin—I’m at my sister’s house in Georgia, drafting this mammoth blog post. I had dinner with my family last night. My niece woke me up this morning with the daintiest “wake up” whisper in the history of mankind. :,) She’s old enough to brush her own teeth now, it’s wild. I am madly in love with a man who is madly in love me. At the same time! How wonderful is that. And he texted me that Teddie misses me and has been waiting by the front and back doors for me to come home. I live a near-perfect life. Work is just a fly in the French Onion Soup of my life. And even then, sometimes he’s a nice fly, a guest accompanying me for dinner.

15. What is something you hope to learn about yourself? (After the break: What is something you learned about yourself?)

I wonder if I’m capable of relaxing. Seriously. Life has been pretty #countrypace these last few days. But I still have a lot of internal pressure to do stuff for @conpoint and take full advantage of writing time (for myself). There were a lot of exciting conpoint opportunities coming through this year, but work was so busy I couldn’t make time for them. So even though I’m resting for a month, I’m trying to cram in The Rest of My Life I’m used to de-prioritizing because of work.

16. How do you think you’ll feel after your career break?

I think I’ll feel enlightened. Even though I feel fluid in my life direction, I don’t think I really know it yet. In a couple weeks, after I’ve lived at a leisurely but self-disciplined pace, I will really believe my existence and purpose is of my own making.

I hope I feel less riled up haha. My job isn’t a bad place to return to—it’s a company of good people with cool projects & meaningful opportunities…that happens to be going through a bit of a rough patch. No matter how much I try to disconnect and let go, I’m really emotionally invested in my work, my org, my teammates, especially if I have a stake in their development. There’s a saying from my alma mater Carnegie Mellon that rings true, no matter how much I try not to care:

17. How do you think you’ll spend the next month?

I hope I finish a bunch of books! I have so many half-read ones, then I get new ones before finishing the old ones. A few on my bookshelf:

• Becoming by Michelle Obama
• I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi
• On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong
• Your Money Or Your Life by Joseph R. Dominguez, Monique Tilford, and Vicki Robin
• The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks
• Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh

I’m also gonna run, play with the dogs, drink coffee. Eat my meals slowly. Write. Be stupidly honest about how I feel. Spend time with family. Block my social calendar during June & embrace solitude. Feel at peace. Breathe easy.

18. How do you think you’ll feel about returning to work?

I don’t think I’ll want to go back, but this is not news or a red flag. I’ve never wanted to return to work. This is a money career for me, not a passion career. Interest isn’t a prerequisite for my employment. Needing money is the prerequisite. So the good news (for my employer) is I will still need money in a month.

The empathetic part of me: How would I feel if I were my manager? There’s an employee who didn’t like work to begin with…taking a month break to recover from burnout…. I’d think: “This bitch has one foot out the door. She isn’t coming back.”

Optically, I can see how one would assume that. Which is why before I left, I gave my manager my word I was coming back. I respect my management chain, I care about them as individuals outside of work. I may not have an ounce of company loyalty, but I am fiercely people-loyal. I won’t do you dirty.

My word is my word. And if you can’t take my word for it, then cynically: I’ve been coming back to work against my freewill for 7 years. What’s another month, really? 😐

The things I think I’ll miss from work: the people, the feeling of mastery/accomplishment, the sense of community & winning as a team. My manager literally just texted me that I was nominated and won an award for excellence within my department. *sigh* I’m extremely grateful for my work situation. Makes me think: “hey Connie, maybe we be less of a salty bitch today? Whadya say?”

19. What do you want to say to Future You in 30 days?

I trust you. Remain unshakeable. YOU have the power to create time. The power to take it back. The onslaught of work stress is a fucking scam. You are a whole, human soul. A soaring spirit. Lemme ask you: Does a bird check email?

I am resolved in ruthlessly eliminating the things that violate my peace.

20. What do you want to say to Future You in 5 years?

Hey 33-Year-Old Connie! You look fine as fuck, you’re welcome for all the exercising I did. You are probably closer to financial independence than we’ve ever been. If not, then I’m proud of you for making that career switch or taking that risk because you realized our happiness was more important than our net worth.

*IF* you are still in the same conflicted headspace and need a push for change: I want you to recognize work is no longer your oppressor. You are. You’re choosing to stay when you have the means to leave.

One question for you: Do you feel at peace?

I—28-year-old You—am resolved in ruthlessly eliminating the things that violate my peace. I hope in growing older and wiser, this hasn’t changed for you.

No peace, no mercy.

21. Favorite song of the moment? 

“Angels Like You” by Miley Cyrus. It feels like a tribute from Authentic Me to Work Connie:

I know that you’re wrong for me /
Gonna wish we never met on the day I leave /
I brought you down to your knees /
‘Cause they say that misery loves company /
It’s not your fault I ruin everything /
And it’s not your fault I can’t be what you need /
Baby, angels like you can’t fly down hell with me /
I’m everything they said I would be.

See you all in a month for Part II, the “After” post!

Q: “How do you handle sharing so much about your personal life (finances, sex, failures, free time)?“

conpoint: Such a great question. I have many, many thoughts about this, so gonna break it into 3 parts.

1. Life as a Story for Death

When I consider what to share online, I think about dying, honestly.

I think about the very real possibility of not living to see 30. The tragedy of dying young.

And I think about how deeply I’d regret not saying the things I wanted to say, unfiltered. How disappointed I’d be for living a life of fear instead of one of truth. For holding back on offering the world…something. Myself.

I don’t want to live without being understood. It is far worse to be loved as someone else than disliked for who you really are. I fear people not knowing the real me, and it’s one of the biggest reasons I have issues with maintaining a professional persona to hold a day job. So much time spent not being Me.

I don’t believe in any kind of afterlife, so personally, it’s important I make things happen in this lifetime, my only one. The best things that will ever happen to me will occur before my death, at least those I can bear witness to and experience first-hand.

I think of my life as a way to control the narrative of my death. The things I’m doing right now are the source code for my obituary, social media memorializations, and how people remember me. There will be small talk between those who knew me and knew of me.

“Did you hear about Connie? So sad.”

And they’ll scroll through the last few things I posted, recent pictures and status updates, as if trying to piece together the last live version of me as a mental keepsake. That’s why it’s important to look good in pictures and write real shit. 😉 Could be your last.

I hope to someone else’s God the last thing I ever write is honest, if nothing else. If people are going to talk about me, I want to make sure it’s actually me they’re talking about. It matters less whether it’s a good or bad review.

2. But What Will People Think?

Ok, so the writing is out there. But now come the sharks of human commentary…OPINIONS! *shrieks*

For those who’ve followed me more recently, I used to write about love & sex as much as I currently write about finance. That was my “thing.” Dating and having a really hard time with it, then lashing out at men and monogamy. That’s my best summary of conpoint circa 2014-2017. It is what it is.

I’ve gotten a few variations of this question:

“Do you ever worry about your coworkers reading your writing?”

I assume they mean the raunchy stuff. Show me a single coworker who thinks I’m sitting at home with an aspirin between my knees and I’ll show you a blog post about sex that didn’t change any prior assumptions about me.

The thing about “to share or not to share” is it doesn’t change the reality of what is happening in my life. This is *my* life—why am I allowed to live it, but not talk about it? It’s some ass-backward thinking. Especially the double standard for women. Sometimes, I think my dream job is being a money & sex consultant. I go places and help people feel more comfortable talking about the two. Then they go and get the money & sex they deserve and we all live happily ever after.

I feel a duty to talk about the things women are told not to talk about. Maybe if I’m being open about it, if I persist and share that it’s been a positive experience overall, more women will feel empowered to talk about it, whatever *it* is. 

One of the reasons I encourage speaking your mind is the fact most people already have their minds made up about you.

If people like you, they’re inclined to find the good. If people don’t like you, they’re inclined to find the bad. If people are whole, they spread kindness. If people are hurt, they spread hate.

Prime example: When I finished my 66 Days Of No Sex challenge, I hosted a Q&A where anonymous commenters could ask me about the journey. Most questions were awesome and insightful. But one person took advantage of keyboard courage and slut-shamed me.

Let’s recap quick: I, a woman, wrote a series about giving up sex for a period of time. And I succeeded in that. And then someone called me a slut.

You can’t win, ladies.

If you’re interested in my reply to the commenter, it’s question #4 here. Make sure you pull up a chair so you can tell him to sit down after reading. Was about to buy that gentlemen a one-way ticket to Get Fucked, USA.

This commenter was prepared to come at me before I wrote a word about sex. One of my favorite quotes by Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements:

“But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself. There is no way I can take this personally.”

When you put yourself out there, you run the risk of having haters coming out of the woodwork to put you down. That’s life. But know it isn’t personal. You were just there for the recoil of their pain. You will always meet people where they are. You can’t control catching someone on a good day.

The amazing thing is—and I do still believe—most people want to be kind. Never let the haters stop you from connecting with the lovers. There are so many good people to meet. More on that in the last section.

***

While I am unconcerned about the opinion of coworkers, I used to be worried about my writing posing an issue at work itself. The shoe finally dropped at a previous employer when I was pulled aside by HR for the “explicit nature” of my blog (ha!). 

The fear of the unknown is much worse than when shit actually goes down.

It’s hilarious in hindsight, but it was a bit scary at the time. I was early in my career and not as financially secure as I am now. I had more at stake if I lost my job. While I wasn’t fired, I worked out a deal with them where I could continue writing under a pen name and disconnect any writing from my LinkedIn. That’s kinda the backstory of using conpoint vs. branding everything with full name even though that was my initial hope as a blogger. I had major issues with “being someone else.” If it were up to me, I’d be Connie FUCKING [last name redacted]!!

After the initial conversation with HR, I remember thinking: “If I am asked to stop writing, I am prepared to walk away from this job.”

It was a life-changing moment. It was the type of enlightenment you can only get when faced with a real-life decision instead of a hypothetical.

I may not have chosen writing as my job, but that day, I chose writing over my entire career.

Ever since, my priorities have been very clear. I’m ready to choose writing over everything. I do think I’ll come to a crossroad again because of my blog. When or where, I don’t know. But I know my decision.

3. Nobody cares, but you do matter

Growing up, I was self-conscious about what people thought. From what I wore to how I spoke, I felt under a microscope for everyone else’s judgement. My mom told me, “everyone is too worried about themselves, they aren’t even paying attention to you.”

It wasn’t until I started my Facebook writing page that I found her words to be painfully and statistically true. Since it’s a business page, I have access to analytics on audience engagement and reach. If you ever want to humble yourself, open a business page and look at the hard data of how many people scroll right pass what you have to say.

An example: If my post gets in front of 1,000 people (reach) and gets 50 likes (engagement), then my engagement rate is 5%. 

I recently learned from my friend @juliepierre_art that the industry average is 8-9% and “good” is anywhere from 10-15%. My personal benchmark and definition of good was a 10% engagement.

In other words, if 90% of people ignore me, I’m like, “Nice! That’s some good stuff right there. Super pleased.”

When you worry about what people think, it’s based on an inflated sense of self—the idea that other people spend time thinking about you. 

The reality is most people don’t care much if at all about you and your life. I mean that in a liberating way, not a cynical one. It really is nothing personal. Everyone has their own lives and problems to deal with. They’re busy. They’re pressed on time and energy. Being indifferent is not a personal attack. Being preoccupied is not a personal attack.

This is actually great news for anyone who has reservations about opening up. It means that you don’t have to worry about what 90% of people think because they aren’t going to realize or care that you opened up at all! Fantastic.

I love this because it makes putting yourself out there less intimidating. It’s like someone opened up two giant double doors and said, “Welcome to the World of Self-Expression. Say anything you want. Almost nobody is listening!” The guy hands you a mic. It doesn’t work. You look down and realize you’re just holding a hotdog.

But in all seriousness, this is a great way to start feeling safe. Safe from scrutiny and judgement, safe from nasty commentary, safe from any actual attention. Nobody cares. And now you can just think about getting your thoughts out there vs. worrying about how it will be received.

How I operate: “Nobody thinks about me. Nobody gives a fuuuuck about me.” It may feel that way sometimes because I *am* me and all my interactions with people are usually about them or me. 50/50.

But I, like everyone else, live in a Me-centric world. My understanding of my importance is skewed. But as mother knew best: everyone is too worried about themselves.

Now let me hit you with a beat because what I’m about to say is super fucking important and will have you feeling good again:

It takes one person to change your life.

One idea.

One realization.

One sentence.

Just one.

You may be just one person that 90% of people ignore. But you still have the potential to change someone’s life. You even have the power to change the lives of complete strangers. Dozens, hundreds, thousands.

Everyone is born with influence. Not everyone uses it.

Your sphere of influence is massive and that’s a data point that can’t be tracked. Who is to say the person who never engaged with your post didn’t take something away from it? Who is to say your passing comment didn’t already change someone’s life?

When I have the opportunity to interact with the 5-10% of people that read my writing, it feels like the full 100%. I’ve received messages from friends and total strangers I would later cry about. Messages expressing how my writing helped them through a hard time, how they could relate, how they were glad somebody was talking about it, and most importantly, how they felt less alone. And some of these came from distant acquaintances, people I never thought would be in these positions, people I didn’t think about at all.

The power of your influence is beyond you. You don’t control where the ripples go. You don’t control where your impact lands. And the surprise of it is the hardest dopamine hit I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve been very fortunate that when I am vulnerable online, I am met halfway. When I go first, others lean in. When I open up, people also let me into pockets of their lives.

None of us are so unique that we are truly in something alone.

***

I was having my first panic attack ever in the lobby of my office building. I was squatting on the floor, sobbing and heaving. A woman approached me and asked me if I was alright.

“I’m fine,” I said through tears. “It’s just work.”

And she said, “Oh honey, no job is worth this.”

The next week I quit my job. I will never be able to find out who that woman was, but she changed my life. With a single comment, she changed the trajectory of my career, the boundaries I would set for work and my well-being, and the standards I would have for my happiness.

It only takes one.

***

So getting back to your initial question: How do I handle it? Saying private things in a public forum?

The consequences of staying quiet are far too severe. We need not struggle alone. We need not suffer alone. We need not mull over our lives in these little boxes of privacy and politeness. Humans are capable of complex communication for a reason—we are meant to connect and push back against anything and everything that tells us otherwise.

We are meant to talk about love and fear and trauma and sex and shame and romance and anger and loss and joy and loneliness. If God is real and He decides my time is up, my afterlife is in the words on this page. It lives in the threads and replies and direct messages of two humans trying to beat a society of clinical conversations.

Everything is up for discussion. Today, everyday, nothing is off-limits.

To not share about my life is to die right now.

Thank you, very much, for the question. I love you dearly, “stranger.”

I like fielding questions on my Instagram stories, so follow me here if you wanna catch those.

If you’d like to submit a question anonymously, ask me anything here and I may pick it for the next conpoint Q&A. Thanks for reading, I know this one was a novel. 🙂

1. Look for reasons to like someone instead of reasons not to. Whichever you choose, you will find it. Life is better surrounded by people you like. And liking someone is within your control.

2. Your relationship is you and your partner’s to respect. It is no one else’s responsibility. When it appears someone on the outside has threatened the relationship, know that threat is coming from the inside. Healthy relationships are communicative ones where partners are honest about their insecurities and concerns. When issues arise, they can only be resolved by the two people in the relationship.

3. Lean into your frugality. You may feel like a cheap-ass right now, but future you will thank you. (Thank you for thinking of me!)

4. Your criticism of others are usually the things you mind about yourself. When you have that knee-jerk reaction to judge, think about why you feel so strongly about it. Is it possible you resent that negative trait in yourself?

5. It is more important to be diplomatic and well-received than being “right” at work. You decide who you want to be, but your reputation is created by how others perceive and talk about you. If you are wrong and humble, coworkers will take time to explain why you may be mistaken and help you. If you are right and arrogant, nobody will want to work with you and nobody will want to see you win.

6. Stop shopping to cheer yourself up. Spending is not a healthy response to sadness. Instead of mindlessly perusing TJ Maxx, think about what feelings are driving you to indulge. How else can you cope with these feelings? What constructive hobbies can improve your mood?

7. Open a high-yield savings account. 

8. Coworkers are not a separate pool of people in the world. They are sourced from the same group of strangers on Earth that you could meet in a social setting. Understand the people you work with — it’s just as important as understanding your friends.

9. If you seek to be understood, be willing to explain. Example: I hate seeing people waste food. This is because I grew up behind the counter of my parents’ restaurant, witnessing the excessiveness of all-you-can-eat buffets. I spent thirteen years clearing half-eaten plates into the trash, internalizing it as portions of my family’s livelihood in the dumpster. I associate wastefulness with privilege and a lack of respect for another being’s resources. I associate it with self-centeredness paired with a lack of self-awareness for what one’s body needs. Wasting food may not be a big deal to others, but it matters to me for these reasons and that’s why I react the way I do.

10. You have a greater capacity to help others after you help yourself first. 

11. Learn more about what your money is doing. The feeling of understanding and controlling your finances is like no other. Don’t be discouraged by the mountain of things you don’t know. Start small. Write down specific questions. Answer those. Write down more questions. Repeat.

12. When you are at work, pretend to be someone who thinks, tries, and cares. After business hours, you are free to be and feel and say whatever you want. I know you struggle coming to terms with your “work identity” feeling like an inauthentic version of your actual self, but it doesn’t have to be so polarizing. During work: think, try, and care. Keep doing this and slowly your dual personalities will feel less binary. And maybe one day, you’ll naturally think, try, and care at work.

13. Show up exactly as you are. You will find that you are happier the sooner you arrive as yourself. At work. When meeting new people. In your own skin. Just be you.

14. It’s okay to feel meh about some people. You’re going to live on the outskirts of some friend circles and that’s okay. It means these relationships are not meant for you long-term. When you meet people you naturally want to spend more time with, you will know. It will feel hard not to talk to them. These relationships are meant for you.

15. Workplace rule of thumb: When you get shafted, the resume gets drafted. It should be ready to go before you are.

16. When someone hits on you, it is not a testament of your attractiveness. It is an expression of their need for attention, companionship, or validation. We aren’t flattered when beggars ask us for money. That’s because we understand we don’t “appear rich.” Rather, the person in need is simply reaching out and we happened to be present. If more people acknowledged this, there would be more humility and less guilt about denying people our time, energy, and other valuable resources.

17. Don’t take your love life frustrations out on someone else’s relationship. You may not believe in monogamy right now, but the spite you feel toward the “broken” concept does not justify hurting one of its bystanders. If you actualize someone else’s worst fear (betrayal), it will have a lasting impact on their ability to trust and love. You may not have had a personal responsibility in the fidelity of their relationship, but you violated the social contract of doing no harm to strangers. That’s on you.

18. Committing to a monogamous relationship will not stifle your creative freedom for writing. So chill out and stop worrying about it. Plus, you will have new content from a girlfriend’s perspective.

19. Your retirement is not tied to an age. It is tied to a dollar amount (net worth). Remember this every time you spend money. That purse does not cost $500. It costs a few days of your retirement. Still worth it?

20. If you don’t feel like responding, don’t respond. You do not owe anyone your time. You do not owe anyone an explanation. You do not owe anyone anything.

21. Buy and hold index funds. Remember when you were 22 and that financial advisor explained these “buckets” of investments you didn’t really understand so you went to your car after and cried because you felt stupid? Well, listen to him and buy more of them.

22. Before you buy something, ask yourself:

• Do I need it?
• Do I personally value it? Or am I buying it to impress people or appeal to current trends?
• Is this purchase in response to an unpleasant emotion?
• Can I just stand here, admire it for a minute, and *not* buy it instead?

23. Your loved ones’ problems are not your problems. They will feel personal and frustrating and exhausting. But they are not your problems. It will feel that way because the situation persists. People may not choose their problems initially, but they do choose to keep having them.

24. Working for an impressive and valuable company means nothing if that company does not impress you. It means nothing if they do not value you. Know your worth and know when you’re in a place that does not recognize it.

25. What you’re feeling is anxiety. I don’t know exactly when you’ll get it, but the terror and dread you feel about work and obligations? That’s anxiety. The sooner you admit it, the sooner you can handle it and seek help.

26. Dogs are one of the best forms of companionship, therapy, and emotional healing. A blessing, not a burden.

27. It will make sense why the temporary men didn’t work out. Enjoy the novelty and the first dates. You’ll get some good insight on what you do and don’t like in a partner. Just know these fleeting relationships are not going to feel disposable forever. Someone will come along and you’ll get to experience all those romantic micro-moments. Eating take-out in your PJs. Carnival rides and hot apple cider. Christmas lights in December. It will feel like the loneliness was justified—to show you how un-alone the right person can make you feel.

🎂 Check out last year’s advice → 26 Things I’d Tell My Younger Self

Some influential people and communities that have shaped my thinking in this last year:

💛 Life + Love

• Instagram: @briannawiest, @positivelypresent, @millenial.therapist, @thematthewhussey, @yrsadaleyward
• Book: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson

👛 Finance

• Instagram: @personalfinanceclub, @thefinancialdiet, @paulapant, @ladiesgetpaid (+1 their local meetups, see if they have a chapter in your city)
• Reddit: r/financialindependence, r/FIRE
• Podcast: ChooseFI (+1 their Facebook community)
• Blog: Mr. Money Mustache

When I was 21-22, my conflict was, “What do I do as a career?”

When I was 23-24, my conflict was, “What place do purpose and passion have in my day job?”

When I was 25, my conflict was, “Should I pursue professional writing as a full-time job?”

It wasn’t until I was 26 that I realized all these life questions were centered around the necessity of work instead of personal fulfillment. “But of course I have to work! I have bills to pay. Work is not optional for me.”

But what if—one day—it was?

For young people transitioning into the full-time workforce, one of the most daunting feelings is the 40 to 60-hour work week dominating “the rest of our lives,” or at least our good years. We worry we’ll be too old in retirement to enjoy life the way we can now—with our vitality, our ambition, our wanderlust, and our healthy bodies. 

Now that I’m 27, I’m asking a more holistic question that prioritizes my true desires: “How do I create a life where I spend more time doing things I love and less time doing things I don’t love?”

Answer: Save enough money to never work for a paycheck again and start incorporating the things I love into my daily life right now.

This is my path to financial independence, or in other words, a work-optional life where I do not need a job for money’s sake (passion-driven work is another story).

The best predictor of when I will reach financial independence is my current savings rate.

Savings Rate = money not spent / my post-tax paychecks

To calculate this and understand if this lifestyle feels sustainable, I first need to know where my money goes and how much of it.

Since January 1st, 2019, I’ve manually tracked every one of my expenses in a spreadsheet. If I spent money, it’s a line item: rent, car insurance, dinner dates, ride shares, a new dress, cash tips, donations, a cup of coffee. Every single thing. 

Here’s an overview of my June 2019 spending (this is just a portion of my monthly savings tracker):

My June savings rate was 48%.

In other words, Present Connie lived on 52% of her earnings and paid Future Connie 48%+ of her earnings (if you account for compound interest). How generous of me. 😊

The chart below is a projection of my retirement dates based on four different savings rates. I used a calculator that considered my current net worth + static income, and assumed a 5% return on investment and 4% withdrawal rate. The withdrawal rate is based on the Trinity Study, which shows 4% as the magic annual amount you can spend while making your wealth last “forever”/until you die. (A big statement, I know, details and arguments for/against it are all linked at the bottom on Mr. Money Mustache’s site)

I understand this is a very rough ballpark estimate—one that doesn’t account for pay increases, children, and unforeseen events like freak accidents (see: children) or winning the lottery. However, it is a spectacular way to quantify the factors that are predictable. More importantly, it is putting a price tag on the lifestyle I lead now and showing me exactly how my behavior shapes my future. Wild.

I’m not waiting until I’m 67 to retire. And if I continue to live and save as I do, I won’t have to.

I’ve made an active decision that I’d rather make small sacrifices now to take back potentially 20-30 years of my life, one where a week is measured in 168 hours and I’m free to plan my daily schedule around nothing more than sunrise and sunset.

This isn’t to say I despise my job or feel the paid workforce is something I desperately need to escape. Rather, it’s recognizing how happiness is entirely achievable on my own terms. My life does not have to align to societal norms of grinding until your golden years. There are things within my control right now that can increase the amount of freedom, flexibility, and stability I have in my 40s and beyond. That is powerful.

Beyond financial independence, this has been a way to self-soothe when I’m dealing with mental health issues like depression and anxiety. During the lows, it’s hard to believe my own mind. What I love about following a financial journey is data and numbers do not lie. They are objective and therefore more reliable than my scrambled and emotional mind at times.

• I may feel overwhelmed by work, but I can ground myself in the fact that I only have to do this for 15 more years if I stay disciplined—a whopping 25% of my total working years are already behind me.
• I may dread a Monday, but I can aim for 40% savings rate this month, which if sustained would eliminate 1,000+ Sunday Scaries from my future.

Talking about financial planning can be dry and boring, I get it. But when I think about the rewards of a future life I could have, my self-made freedom, it hits like whiskey. It’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever done. The safest drug and the highest high.

I’m a madwoman sunbathing in my laptop light, toggling account tabs, and reformatting formulas. I’m at the beginning of learning to make this work for me, yet I’m already in more control than I’ve ever been.

📙 Resources:

• Retirement Calculator: https://networthify.com/calculator/earlyretirement
• Trinity Study: https://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2012/05/29/how-much-do-i-need-for-retirement/
• Savings Rate: http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2012/01/13/the-shockingly-simple-math-behind-early-retirement/

I started going to therapy this week.

My sessions are through a comprehensive emotional coaching app called Ginger, where I have 24/7 access to a real, live mental healthcare professional. I can text or video chat them whenever I need to talk.

I’m fortunate enough that employer’s healthcare plan provided this service to me for free. Therapy is expensive, so I wanted to call that out since money was a personal deterrent for not seeking help sooner, especially as someone who doesn’t consider myself to have serious mental health issues.

On paper, I have a pretty good life. In my initial consultation on Sunday, I told my coach how I had a supportive family, strong network of friends, a healthy relationship with my boyfriend, and a rewarding (though sometimes stressful) job….

Me: What I came here for was the lows—depression runs in my family. Every now and then things can feel overwhelming or without purpose. I think about it frequently and while I “have it together” from the outside, I’m seeking help about the internal dark clouds.

The dark clouds.

That heavy feeling from nowhere.

That nagging lack of meaning.

Me: Generally, my purpose is to write and love/help people, but then why do I question it still? So yes, that needs work…

Coach: You know that your purpose is well defined when you no longer have to question it. The fact that you still question it lets you know that either you are off the mark or it needs more definition. People tend to confuse their purpose with what they are good at.

That last line shook me. As someone who has always flinched at the possibility of failure, it would make sense that I latch onto a strength and designate it as my sole purpose in life.

Coach: Figuring out your purpose will be our first goal. Your primary focus should be to take meaningful steps toward your passion, thus defining your purpose. Once you have identified your purpose and start to operate within, the dark clouds will start to part and eventually clear.

I had shared some other stressors about my life with my coach, some of which are too personal or not entirely mine to share. So I hope you can understand that I’m telling as much as I can right now. With time, maybe I can go into detail about the rest.

***

My First Assignment

Coach: Imagine that tonight when you go to bed a magical thing happened. Someone waved a magic wand and created the exact life that you desire. Imagine that there are no obstacles, no worries about money or what others think. Just you and all of the inner most desires of your heart have come to reality. What does that look like?

Me: oh god lol

Coach: Be prepared to discuss this the next time we meet.

Me: Ok, that sounds fun and daunting.

***

I have the freedom of being one person, all the time.

I do not have to pretend to care about things I don’t care about. To keep appearances, to advance professionally.

I can say what I want without any fear of retribution or consequences in other aspects of my life, specifically the ones that support my livelihood.

Even better, my free speech—my true self—is what drives my life.

Maybe my words will help someone. Maybe people seek my opinion, my perspective, my advice. To heal others with what I say. To lighten the mood with my wit, and lessen the burden of life, even momentarily.

All my loved ones have more friends than they could possibly want. They are loved, platonically or romantically—whatever they need. They are never abandoned or disappointed by people not showing up for them. They are endlessly supported through healthy relationships with good and loyal people: mentors, partners, and like-minded individuals who encourage growth on their own terms.

All my loved ones are also fulfilled by hobbies or rewarding careers. They have accessible means of processing their emotions and they have centeredness and peace in their hearts. Therapy is free for everyone in the world, even people I don’t like.

My parents have enough money to never think about money again. This won’t buy happiness, but it will ward off the Fear of Being Without. It will open up the door to independence and the opportunity to pursue happiness in a way they’ve never considered before.

I do not have plenty of money. Rather, I have exactly the amount of money I have today. But I have the guarantee that if I pursue what I love, that I will not make any less money. Following my heart will not come at a sacrifice of my quality of life, or the promise of a stable future for myself and my loved ones.

My writing is never tainted by money. I never have to change what I write about to fit an assignment. I never have to write about something I don’t care about.

I never have to create sensational or viral content solely to grow my online presence.

I never have to disingenuously engage with a reader because I’m trying to build a brand.

Instead, I am as real in-person as I am online.

Instead, my Writing Me is the only Me.

My reach grows organically and I never have to hide my blog or my thoughts or my history. I never have to worry about being discovered.

I only do work that is important to my purpose.

I only live to be me.

Loudly, authentically me.

***

Photo courtesy of Pexels (Simon Migaj)

Part 1 of 2 of my Drink Less Move More 2018 recap.

I had a ton of fun playing around with the numbers and seeing how 137 DRINKS added up/broke down over a year.

Best viewed on web, sorry mobile is kinda funky…

To the infographic!

Welcome to my first conpoint Q&A!

Thanks so much to those who reached out this first round and humored me with some questions. 😛 Just because your question isn’t included below doesn’t mean I won’t use it in the next one! :p I’m collecting Qs on a rolling basis, so as long as the link is working, please keep sending your anonymous questions ⇢ HERE ⇠

I’m all ears! 🐰 Now let’s hop to it, punny rabbit… *cringesmiles*

1. Do you think love is a choice? As in, do you think we’re all work-in-progresses, and therefore imperfect, and there’s no perfect fantasy person for you out there? What defines a healthy relationship to you? I think a healthy relationship is one where you show up every day and actively choose to support your partner’s decisions and self-improvement journey, while working on your own.

Love is not a choice, but your life that revolves around it is. This includes the sacrifices you make for love, who you choose to be in a relationship, and most importantly, your priorities and boundaries in love.

We’re well beyond fantasy love these days. I think everyone understands there’s no Mr. or Mrs. Perfect. The hard part now is: “Who is good enough?”

I don’t believe loving someone is enough of a reason stay with them—I actually think that’s the most bullshit justification for staying in a relationship. You can love anyone, it doesn’t mean it’s the good kind.

Love is an ingredient for a relationship, it cannot be the recipe.

I’m so glad you called out healthy relationships! Your definition is spot-on—a healthy relationship is one where you are an active advocate for you and your partner’s growth. It’s also one where you support their *smart* decisions. Sure, subjective.

I think you can unconditionally love a person without unconditionally supporting all their decisions. We’re human, we make bad calls sometimes, and it is invaluable to have people in your corner who love you enough to call you out.

• Healthy love is one where both partners can openly communicate their needs and concerns.
• Healthy love is when you both contribute your best selves to the relationship, in your own unique ways.
• Healthy love is when you are unquestionably appreciated for who you are and all you do for the other person.

Here are my red flags for unhealthy love:

• You feel like your partner doesn’t *see* or *hear* you sometimes, like your presence has less weight than theirs.
• You find yourself questioning whether this is truly a partnership, ex. You invest a lot, they invest a little.
• People who know you best express concern about your well-being in the relationship.
• You have those fleeting thoughts that you deserve a better situation, a better life.
• You are motivated to stay with this person because you contrast it with being alone, and that scares you.

None of these definitive deal-breakers, but they are feelings to recognize and take seriously.

Only you can assess your relationship. Only you can understand the inside perspective. Only you can prevent forest fires (had to!).

Love is both hard work and an effortless decision, if that makes sense.

You can’t choose the love you receive, but you can always choose the love you’re willing to accept.

I hope for you that it is only the most healthy and fulfilling kind. 💛

2. Do you want to have children? Can you please comment on the decision to have children for a woman in the age range of 28-40? I am consistently thinking about this decision I feel I am faced with and coming to an understanding with myself and my partner. I’m currently leaning towards not wanting to have children given my lack of interest. My partner is very interested and believes that I am not ready yet. If I were to have children, I would be very happy to have them with him, however, and that is the contributing factor to my pro-children side. My thoughts are very scattered as you can probably tell, but I’m very interested to hear the perspectives of others in my similar situation (not that you are necessarily).

*sigh* I feel this very much and thank you for asking this question.

I don’t know if I want children.
I’m also leaning toward No because I’ve never liked babies or kids, and I can’t imagine eagerly stepping into the role of a mother. *pulls burnt peach cobbler out of the oven* At the same time, I may just not be ready now. If I found out having a family was not an option for me in the future, I would be disappointed.

I’m very torn, too, clearly. I know my boyfriend likes kids, and wants a son he can play with one day. But I can’t say I’ve ever fantasized about having my own children.

Like you, part of my motivation would be my partner. I think he’d be a great father. Then again, I’m also too awesome of a person *not* to pass on my wisdom and good genes. 😉

I am 26 and keenly aware that I have <4 years to decide whether I want to give birth (if I am even able), before time starts working against me. And that’s fucking scary.

To answer your second question: No, I won’t comment on that decision because it is none of my business what another woman chooses to do with her body between the ages of 0-100+. 🙂

What I will say is there is an increased risk when giving birth after the age of 30. This is science, not my opinion. Do women in their 30s+ give birth to healthy children? All the time! I’m simply saying there’s a risk to be acknowledged, and I have no authority to decide whether another couple should or should not take that risk. That is up to you and your partner, with the consultation of a medical professional.

My stance on deciding to have children at all is the same as obtaining sexual consent: if it’s not enthusiastic, don’t go through with it. This isn’t deciding to buy a lamp at Ikea, where passive acceptance is okay. This is claiming responsibility for a human being for 18+ years and ideally, loving them for life. Parenthood is unfathomably hard (from my outsider observation). You cannot choose what hardships you’ll face as a parent, but you can choose whether that hardship is worth it to you.

Especially as a woman, I understand it’s taboo to openly say you don’t to be a mother. I’m telling you: it is okay to live your life. It is okay not to want children for any reason or no reason at all. It’s like cilantro. You don’t need a fucking reason. You like it or you don’t.

Between you and your partner, openly discuss this question:

• For the sake of our long-term happiness as individuals, does it make sense for us to stay together or part ways?

Say everything on your mind. Cry. Explain. Hug. Name your priorities. Name the regrets you don’t want in life.

This is no easy conversation, but it will only get harder the longer you delay it. You and your partner each deserve to pursue the lives you want, and if your future plans don’t align, it’s better to know sooner rather than later.

You can love someone dearly and not be on the same page. That is okay.

Check out this Reddit thread about couples who are 50+ who chose not to have children. What hurts to read? What resonates with you?

I sincerely hope for the best outcome for you and your partner, whatever path that may be. 💛

3. What is your take on women not choosing to give birth and adopting? My spouse & I have been pondering around adoption — but the wife isn’t sure if she wants to give birth or adopt. And [I’m] like, it’s your choice first — whatever you go choose. I just want a kid whenever we are ready (probably in a 2-3 yr timeline).

I’ve answered some of your question above, but to add on, I think adoption is a wonderful option for those who are open to it. Providing a loving home and second chance for a child in the foster care system is amazing, and I commend you for considering it. Until there are zero kids in the system, I think all couples and single expectant parents should discuss the possibility of adoption, even if the ultimate decision is no.

It’s great that you are being patient and supportive of your spouse’s decision — sounds like the ball is in her court right now. You mentioned a timeline of 2-3 years before you two are ready, is your spouse is onboard with that timeline as well?

It’s worth considering whether her indecision is about “giving birth vs. adopting” OR the decision to have children at all.

As you read above, a great partner can be a motivator for someone who didn’t initially want children. Please revisit this to be 100% you two are pondering the same question right now.

Understand she may never be ready. Understand she may be afraid to tell you, for fear of losing you.

Understand you are in no way a bad person if you must end the relationship over this.

It’s not an ultimatum—it’s you being a responsible person who is trying to respect the wishes of two separate people with two separate ideas of the future.

If having a kid—biological or adopted—is a non-negotiable for you, be honest about that. Start a conversation where your wife feels safe to express her true feelings as well. There are many things you compromise on in a relationship, but children should not be one of them if either of you feels adamantly.

You’ve been flexible about this decision, but know you have a say, too. This is also your parenthood, your life. Two or three years will be here before you know it, but that decision will shape the life you live 20 years from now.

Make the necessary decision, not the easy one. Your future self will thank you.

If you are both truly onboard with having a family, write a pros and cons list for giving birth vs. adopting. Write these lists independently first, then have an open discussion about each of your lists.

Beyond that, do either of you know parents who have adopted? I can only offer so much advice as a childless adult, so maybe hearing someone else’s experience will be helpful. Even the experience of those who were adopted themselves. You also have the option to consider adoption AND giving birth if you want multiple kids.

It’s clear that having a family is important to you. Throughout all these discussions, remember what is important at the end of the day. Then you’ll make the right decision.

Wish you and your future fam the absolute best! 💛

4. How is sex with your boyfriend different from previous flings? What is better? Worse?

Sex, I believe, has always been an emotional thing for me. When I was single, I went through a phase where I didn’t treat it as such, and as a result, it caused me a lot of sadness.

There were times I expected partners to treat me as someone they loved instead just someone they just made love to, and those were poor expectations to have.

When I was 19 (in my last committed relationship before now), I remember playing a drinking game and saying, “Never have I ever had sex with someone I didn’t love.”

When that statement was no longer true, I entered a pretty bitter stage of my life of both wanting and resenting love.

Through late-college and early adulthood, I went through the motions of dating or whatever the fuck “we’re talking” means. I took what I could get, which was mostly emotionally detached sex (from either me, him, or both).

Even though casual sex didn’t fulfill me emotionally, it did satisfy the part of me that pined for “the chase.” I had a pretty male mindset of hooking up—I loved bar-hopping, scoping out the place, and rising to the challenge of “getting” someone I had my eye on. I was enthralled by the prospect of a conquest.

As someone who was addicted to the novelty of someone new and doing something for the story, I wound up chasing experiences and people that didn’t necessarily fulfill me in ways that mattered, living for a bucket list of hook-up stories that were retold with more fervor than what I experienced in real-time.

If I had to compare sex with flings to sex with my boyfriend, I’d say the former makes me feel accomplished and whereas the latter makes me feel adored.

When I have sex with my current boyfriend, the attraction feels continuous. I feel desired before, during, and after sex. It feels like the most wholesome non-wholesome thing two people can do. It’s a level of comfort and vulnerability I’ve never reached with my exes, to no fault of theirs or mine. We were simply less compatible.

I’m now able to be completely honest, relaxed, and open about what I like and need, and as a result, I’m having the most satisfying sex I’ve ever had. I never thought I would get over my novelty phase, that penchant for limitless variety, but there comes a point where quality trumps quantity.

There is no right way to enjoy sex, and you can enjoy it in multiple ways. There is no shame in casual sex. There is no shame in committing to one person or even saving yourself for marriage.

To me, fling sex vs. relationship sex is like comparing the thrill of skinny dipping vs. the feel-good jitters of all your best friends showing up for your surprise birthday party. Playful banter vs. a deep conversation.

Sex is a personal choice, and personally, I prefer what I have right now.

***

Are you interested in submitting an anonymous Q?

Ask me anything here <– As long as the link is active, I am getting notifications when new Qs come and will answer the most interesting ones in my next Q&A. Thanks for your questions, they’re really intriguing!

Photos courtesy of Tan Danh, Josh Willink, and Kaboompics from Pexels

In light of my 26th birthday today, I wanted to share a few (or more) realizations I’ve had over the years. Some were hard-earned lessons while others were subtle iterations of what I already knew. Here are the things I’d tell a younger Connie, as it relates to passion, work, relationships, life, and everything in between.

***

1. Stop looking for happiness from a job. Look for happiness in a job. Often, it is in the people.

2. Value the friends who tell you the hard truths and put your welfare above your perception of them. You know that part that stings when someone criticizes you? That’s called the truthful part, and it hits on what you already believe about yourself. Listen to why someone called you out, not how they did it. Then be open-minded to improving in that area.

3. People treat you the way they feel about themselves. Don’t take it personally.

4. The temporary discomfort of saying “No” is better than the long-lasting dread of plans you committed to out of guilt and obligation.

5. Don’t let anyone shame you for your sexuality—the way you choose to love, to touch, to share your heart and your body. Your sexuality is yours. The only thing you should encourage anyone to do when it comes to sex is getting tested regularly. (Seriously, you could save someone’s life!)

6. Stop paying for stuff with your debit card. Do some research on credit cards that will give you the best benefits for your spending habits.

7. If you’re frustrated with someone in a professional setting, remember they may just be doing their job. They don’t want to be in this position or situation any more than you do. They don’t want to be having these uncomfortable conversations. Sometimes, it is strictly business. If you can empathize with anything, empathize with the fact that most of us are slaves to the dollar in some capacity. Everyone has pressures of their own, things that are out of their control, things they may not agree with but have to do anyway, just like you.

8. You don’t owe anyone your time. It’s okay NOT to go on a second date even though he’s a decent guy. It’s okay NOT to reply to your friend’s text right away.

9. If you think fondly of someone, let them know.

10. Before you blame someone or something else, ask yourself: “How did I contribute to this problem? What can I do to fix it?”

11. The person who you think doesn’t deserve you? They probably don’t.

12. Neutral friendships can be just as bad as toxic friendships. Your time is limited. Don’t let long, empty weekends deceive you into thinking you will live forever. You will die one day. Spend your life with people you actively enjoy.

13. Learn to analyze your hatred and love of things.

• Do you really hate your job? Or is it the paycheck that bothers you? Is it the nature of your role, the specific company, or the type of people you work with? Is it your expectations of what a job can do for you?
• Do you really love this guy? Or is it the attention you’ve always wanted? Is it the stability that staves off comparatively awful feeling of loneliness? Is it your expectations of what a relationship or sex can do for you?

14. If you’ve already decided you’re gonna eat the cookies, then enjoy every second without an ounce of guilt!

15. Spend less time being frustrated about what you can’t control. Redirect your anger into actionable items.

16. If you can financially afford it, quit the job that’s making you miserable.

17. Contribute generously to your savings account. Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you the freedom to walk away from a situation that makes you unhappy.

18. People cannot waste your time if you do not allow them your time in the first place.

19. A different life is possible. Change is not something that magically happens to other people. You were not born to be uniquely miserable. You prefer it seem that way so you can excuse yourself of any ownership over your happiness. See where that takes you. Once you hit a wall, make some changes and live the life you were always capable of having.

20. Your employer doesn’t owe your passion anything. You chose this career path, or at the very least, you signed the offer letter. So check yourself, check your attitude and realize maybe, just maybe, your professional dissatisfaction is self-inflicted.

21. It’s okay to believe certain people, places, things, or situations should go fuck themselves. As much as you can manage, express these thoughts in an appropriate place, like behind closed bedroom doors with all your home listening devices disconnected and submerged in water or on your public blog, if you absolutely must. ;0

22. Know your worth and honor it (both financially and in general). Asking for more money does not automatically make you entitled or greedy. Especially for women: When it comes to vouching for your rightful pay, be bold about asserting your worth. It is a STANDARD. It is not up for discussion.

23. Don’t prematurely disqualify yourself from a job. Because somewhere out there is an equally “unqualified” person who will thank you for stepping out of their way. Apply. Apply. Apply. Everyone is unqualified until they get the job that makes them qualified. 🙂

24. Don’t be so quick to give up on love. If you can’t stretch your optimism that far, then simply believe there are still good people out there. You have a ton of single friends that are great catches, don’t you? Then believe that somewhere out there, there’s someone’s amazing friend who you will come to see romantically.

25. Embrace being a writer. You always do this thing where you dismiss it, talk down on yourself, or qualify that you “only do it as a hobby.” Stop that shit. Deep down, you identify as a writer more than anything else in life. Own it. Own the things you love. You are a writer. You never have and never will need a paycheck to prove that.

26. The things you were looking forward to some day are happening right now.

***

**many of these realizations were inspired by the wisdom of my friends and mentors, and from reading:

• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
• How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
• 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey

Another Woman Series ♀♂♀

Around the time I was fooling around with taken men, I developed a nasty habit of petty theft. My sticky fingers found their way around grocery stores and shopping malls alike, tucking away cookies, bell peppers, blouses, and pore strips. There was an unplaceable thrill in taking something that was not rightly mine—and getting away with it.

I never stole as kid. I grew up in a Midwestern hometown of 4,000 people, a community that raised me to try and do the right thing more often than not. When the 24/7 Super Walmart first opened up, there was a pastry section that operated by the honor system. Since my friends and I didn’t drink in high school, we spent our time and our money in that megastore, dropping browned coins and crumpled singles into the collection box, never paying a penny less for a donut.

As someone who had also seen the other side of retail from working at my parents’ restaurant, I gritted my teeth at those who didn’t pay their fair share—like the group of teens who dined and dashed out the backdoor and the obese woman who dropped naked chicken wings into her purse. I remained adamant against stealing after graduating high school and leaving the town’s humble living far behind.

But somewhere down the line, I lost the once effortless habit of doing the right thing without reason or reward. A mix of entitlement, resentment, and desperation drove me to be the type of person my younger self could not empathize with, and likely, did not expect becoming.

***

My first time stealing was when I was 23 or 24.

It happened at a super-sized Asian grocery store that smelled of fish and vinegar. Shortly before heading to checkout, I pocketed a sleeve of chocolate cookies and sheet of animal stickers, the amount totaling to a little over $2. I paid for the rest of my groceries, hoping nothing weird would happen in a ritual I’d done a thousand times (sans the thievery part). My steals felt twice their size in my pocket. My neck started sweating. I tried to smile at the cashier, but not more than usual.

As long as I could walk from the register to the sliding doors without incident, I was in the clear. The cashier handed me my receipt, and it felt like this strenuous effort to look straight ahead at the exit and walk to my parking spot at a normal pace. Once inside my car, I texted my best friend that I stole and that I didn’t know why.

How do you feel, he asked. And I told him it was thrilling.

The first time crossing the line is the hardest. Everything after that, incrementally, becomes easier.

***

My illegal hobby disgusted one of the taken men. He scolded me on a particular afternoon hangout, or whatever you want to call the time we spent clothed.

“Stop stealing! That’s seriously so unattractive.”

“At least I’m not hurting anyone,” I said, modeling my newly acquired shirt in my bedroom mirror.

“It’s wrong.”

People tend to pass judgement on those who have different tastes in whom it’s okay to wrong. 

“It’s not like I’m stealing from a local shop. The minimum wage workers still get paid. You think the corporations are going to miss that money?”

I told him I handed cash to a homeless man after leaving the mall with my stolen goods, as if that would somehow redeem me. I rationalized that I was simply “redistributing the wealth.”

“Don’t you think that money is going to do more for him than some wealthy exec?” I said.

“I guess,” he said. “But still.”

The key to moral compatibility is not behaving a certain way, but acknowledging whether your actions are good or bad. This was something very small for me, but I gave him credit for knowing how wrong this was, how wrong we were. I can’t say we were good people, but at least we were self-aware.

***

I think back to those cheesy commercials that discouraged people from pirating movies:

You wouldn’t steal a handbag…you wouldn’t steal a car…

The truth is, some of us would. The truest measure of our morals is what we choose to do when we believe there will be no consequences. I question again and again what altered inside of me and made me okay with stealing. What made me okay with not only claiming something or someone that was not mine, but also disregarding someone else’s ownership? I don’t think it mattered whether it was a sugary baked good or a boyfriend—when I chose to take, I acted on principle.

I can’t offer an eloquent or reasonable explanation for why I willingly became another woman or a thief. I can only sum it up as a sentiment:

I don’t feel like paying the price today. I feel like getting what I want.

***

During the peak of my kleptomania, I actually returned to the exact clothing store I managed in my first job out of college. It was a dimly lit sales floor, where I spent countless hours folding fitted graphic Ts and polos into perfect quadrants, appeasing middle-aged mothers and their hopes of outfitting sons and daughters into teenage popularity.

The store took an undeserved brunt of my resentment for not “making it” in the real world. It was a tangible aspect of my life I could pin my disappointment on.

In returning to a place where I felt I was wronged, stealing was my small way of revolting against the system, the corporate execs, and the unchallenged laws of society.

In the same spiteful vein, my vigilante ways also transcended to my pursuit of romantic justice. The dating scene had not served me well, had not produced a worthwhile partner when I had invested the time and energy of looking and hoping and hurting. The normal ways of finding intimacy weren’t working out, so I took matters into my own hands. I figured if I couldn’t foster a healthy and meaningful relationship by the rules, then selfishly, I had no reason to respect the rules.

I was in the Wild West, shooting game for entertainment rather than actual nourishment. It was unnecessary bloodshed of the heart, motivated by my resentment and flippant attitude toward love and monogamy. Sure, there were moments of authentic connection with some of the taken men, but I would be lying if I said I was not tempted by the novelty of the situation.

It felt empowering to be the wild card to screw up everyone else’s hand. The unpredictable game-changer, who by playing outside the rules, could trounce any preconceived strategy. I was destruction, or liberation, depending on how you looked at it. Wedding crashers get a bad rap, but maybe, some expressions of love should be interrupted. 

I wonder what would have happened if I was caught, red-handed and bare-bodied. I wonder if I was in such a state of disenchantment with my own life that I was waiting for an external force to disrupt it since I lacked the initiative to change it myself.

One of the most cowardly ways to live is to project your pain. I wanted to be less alone. When I couldn’t find that companionship in love, I found companionship in shared suffering. Somewhere out there, I knew a woman had it worse than me. In my eyes, a true loneliness was better than a false love.

If I could also disprove monogamy as a functional standard, then not only could I cheat the system, I could also break it. I could discredit the lifestyle I wanted so badly not to want anymore. I needed to see for myself the inner workings of a broken system, so I could come back with clear eyes and say, “You’re not missing out on anything, darling.”

***

I had one misstep in my stealing. Typically, I did a clean sweep of clothes for sensors while in the store—either in the dressing room or smoothing my hands over both sides while it was hanging on a crowded rack. Any tagged article was not worth the effort or risk to me. But after returning home one time, I realized I had overlooked a sensor on a cardigan. Luckily, it wasn’t one that activated the store alarms. Unluckily, it was filled with ink.

At first, I tried freezing it, with the intention of ripping the sensor off without a splatter. But I couldn’t pull it apart.

Then, I decided to burn it. I watched a few online tutorials about how you had to burn the sensor deep enough to release 3 metallic balls, which would free the pin while keeping the ink cavity intact.

I sat on my porch, lighter in one hand and sensor isolated in the other, a tail of fabric protruded from my fist like a magic trick. The lighter flicked on, the small flame reminiscent of distant cancer or a birthday cake. Burning always happens a lot slower than I expect. But once it catches, it happens in that predictable yet unstoppable way.

There is no such thing as a good person, only a person whose bad deeds we accept, with either ignorance or forgiveness. There are people who’ve resisted evil long enough to resemble goodness, and those who’ve never come close to feeling the heat and temptation. There are people who burn and roar right in front of us, and people whose goodness we defend only because we’re not the ones breathing their smoke.

The plastic sensor curled into itself, soft and dark. I wiped away the melted material with a napkin. Thick black smoke rose from my hands in the minutes I waited for the center to reveal itself. It all felt like a joke.

Me, crouching over a stolen (and smoking) cardigan on a porch with chipped paint. Me, wearing said cardigan to a day job where I played a professional who didn’t burn evidence from her crimes from the previous weekend. Me, being a version of myself that was both an exemplification of and exception to my true character.

I am still the kid who hates stealing, even when I steal. I am still the nonbeliever who has it out for love, even if I’ve finally found it.

***

Previous post ← Why My Real-life Boyfriend Feels Imaginary

Next post coming soon…

Six months ago, I was so excited to accept a contract at one of the nation’s best companies to work for. It felt beyond my reach, like the kind of thing that only happened to smarter people I knew in college, never me.

I’m now halfway through my contract, and I haven’t hit any of my milestones. What once started as the pinnacle of my professional success is now the most drawn-out, terminal diagnosis of Impostor Syndrome. And it feels incredibly defeating.

I let my guard down too soon, almost as if accepting that offer was the equivalent of a goalie celebrating a premature victory as a game-winning point is about to be scored under her nose. I can’t help but feel I’ve squandered someone else’s dream opportunity, a once-in-a-lifetime chance to really prove themselves.

There’s no pretty way to say it: I have a great job, but I’m not doing well in it.

In general, I hate being bad…at anything. My likes and dislikes are entirely dictated by where my natural skillsets lie. For example, I enjoy writing, dancing, and public speaking. I despise doing math, using technology, and talking about cars.

Sometimes, I don’t think I continue writing because I enjoy it. I only enjoy it because I’m better at it than other things. It’s actually my favorite thing to do because of all my relative strengths, it’s my best one.

On the flip side, I once agreed to try CrossFit with my boyfriend. After an hour of sloppily throwing up weights that were too heavy for me and grinding through circuits of box jumps and sit-ups, I waited until we were securely inside his car to unleash a faceful of hot tears.

“Don’t ever ask me to do that again,” I told him, sobbing into his t-shirt. That was the first and last time I will ever do CrossFit.

The experience was my personal nightmare: Not only was I bad at something, I had to be publicly bad at it.

When I find myself in a situation where I don’t thrive, my instinct is to emotionally detach. It’s a defense mechanism to protect myself from the feeling of defeat. If I can convince myself that my priorities are far removed from what I’ve failed at, then I can believe the failure was a reflection of misplaced effort instead of me as a person or my true ambitions in life.

Lately, I’ve been telling myself: My job is not my life-long career or a source of fulfillment. It is a contracted responsibility, a legal obligation where I clock 40 hours a week to secure financial stability. Nothing more, nothing less.

My life would be a lot easier if I actually believed that.

The unfortunate reality is: I take my job very personally.

A job is not just a job to me—it’s a test of my ability to succeed and be good at something. I don’t mean to sound ambitious or overzealous about what a profession means to me, especially because that’s misleading; I’ve realized a pristine and proper career isn’t a life priority of mine (if that wasn’t clear from the raunchy and incriminating blog posts I promote on literally every one of my social media accounts).

It is just in my nature to try very hard at something—anything—that could reveal my weakness or inability. Heck, I take a game of Tetris as seriously as I do my job. It’s not that I have any real stakes in manipulating colorful shapes to fit together nicely. I just fucking hate losing and being bad at stuff. If I could actualize failure into a living, breathing person, I would jump that sucker in a dark alley and punch it until my knuckles were raw bone.

So why am I sharing my violent fantasies toward failure on this balmy Tuesday?

Beyond offering you some bathroom reading at the office, I think it’s important to share the times we feel at rock bottom, especially when people from the outside may mistakenly believe we are one of the lucky ones who “has it together.” Real life is not my edited resume or my LinkedIn bio or my shiny corporate job title.

The biggest disservice we can do to the younger generation is to be glamorous about such a gritty part of our adult selves: our careers. It’s wrong to pretend that we didn’t also question our direction in life at one time or another, to feign self-assurance as we bounced around the job market, and to reduce the complex strains of professional and personal gratification to humble-brag photos of our swanky downtown office.

That is smellier BS than the “What’s your greatest weakness?” question.

As taxing as our professional development may be, it’s worth noting that feeling defeated doesn’t necessarily mean you are defeated. In a classic story arc, the protagonist will always experience the crisis before reaching the climax, the turning point of their journey.

Our darkest times probably the best predictors of approaching dawn. It’s the only change we can notice from the adapted blackness of rock bottom. *cues My Chemical Romance*

As uncomfortable as it is to feel defeated, it is actually the best possible environment for growth.

Defeat necessitates that we acknowledge our starting point, which can feel like ground zero all over again. Defeat requires us to endure these moments of paralyzing stagnancy before we rise to action. Before we choose change. Before we overcome.

I’ve talked to a few coworkers in the same [seemingly sinking] boat, and contrary to our natural reactions, I’ve decided there’s no ROI in worrying.

One of two things will happen at the end of my contract:

1. I will have improved, and will continue to work at this company, or
2. I will not have improved, and will work elsewhere.

Not so bad, right? I’m sure worse things have happened to far better people.

With those outcomes in mind, I have a few actionable items in front of me:

1. Push through this feeling of defeat and try harder, work smarter, and keep at it until I succeed (or at the very least, don’t suck as much).
2. Push through this feeling of defeat and start building toward the next turning point of my career.

A smart person will pick one and commit. A smarter person will realize the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

The only thing that ties us to defeat is the belief we don’t have options. We always have options. I don’t know if it is truly our choice to feel defeated, but I know for certain it is our choice to stay that way.

***

More reading

→ It’s Okay Not To Be Passionate About Your Job

→ Area Woman Maintains Professional Persona Between Weekends of Getting Mercilessly Dicked