I started going to therapy this week.

My sessions are through a comprehensive emotional coaching app called Ginger, where I have 24/7 access to a real, live mental healthcare professional. I can text or video chat them whenever I need to talk.

I’m fortunate enough that employer’s healthcare plan provided this service to me for free. Therapy is expensive, so I wanted to call that out since money was a personal deterrent for not seeking help sooner, especially as someone who doesn’t consider myself to have serious mental health issues.

On paper, I have a pretty good life. In my initial consultation on Sunday, I told my coach how I had a supportive family, strong network of friends, a healthy relationship with my boyfriend, and a rewarding (though sometimes stressful) job….

Me: What I came here for was the lows—depression runs in my family. Every now and then things can feel overwhelming or without purpose. I think about it frequently and while I “have it together” from the outside, I’m seeking help about the internal dark clouds.

The dark clouds.

That heavy feeling from nowhere.

That nagging lack of meaning.

Me: Generally, my purpose is to write and love/help people, but then why do I question it still? So yes, that needs work…

Coach: You know that your purpose is well defined when you no longer have to question it. The fact that you still question it lets you know that either you are off the mark or it needs more definition. People tend to confuse their purpose with what they are good at.

That last line shook me. As someone who has always flinched at the possibility of failure, it would make sense that I latch onto a strength and designate it as my sole purpose in life.

Coach: Figuring out your purpose will be our first goal. Your primary focus should be to take meaningful steps toward your passion, thus defining your purpose. Once you have identified your purpose and start to operate within, the dark clouds will start to part and eventually clear.

I had shared some other stressors about my life with my coach, some of which are too personal or not entirely mine to share. So I hope you can understand that I’m telling as much as I can right now. With time, maybe I can go into detail about the rest.

***

My First Assignment

Coach: Imagine that tonight when you go to bed a magical thing happened. Someone waved a magic wand and created the exact life that you desire. Imagine that there are no obstacles, no worries about money or what others think. Just you and all of the inner most desires of your heart have come to reality. What does that look like?

Me: oh god lol

Coach: Be prepared to discuss this the next time we meet.

Me: Ok, that sounds fun and daunting.

***

I have the freedom of being one person, all the time.

I do not have to pretend to care about things I don’t care about. To keep appearances, to advance professionally.

I can say what I want without any fear of retribution or consequences in other aspects of my life, specifically the ones that support my livelihood.

Even better, my free speech—my true self—is what drives my life.

Maybe my words will help someone. Maybe people seek my opinion, my perspective, my advice. To heal others with what I say. To lighten the mood with my wit, and lessen the burden of life, even momentarily.

All my loved ones have more friends than they could possibly want. They are loved, platonically or romantically—whatever they need. They are never abandoned or disappointed by people not showing up for them. They are endlessly supported through healthy relationships with good and loyal people: mentors, partners, and like-minded individuals who encourage growth on their own terms.

All my loved ones are also fulfilled by hobbies or rewarding careers. They have accessible means of processing their emotions and they have centeredness and peace in their hearts. Therapy is free for everyone in the world, even people I don’t like.

My parents have enough money to never think about money again. This won’t buy happiness, but it will ward off the Fear of Being Without. It will open up the door to independence and the opportunity to pursue happiness in a way they’ve never considered before.

I do not have plenty of money. Rather, I have exactly the amount of money I have today. But I have the guarantee that if I pursue what I love, that I will not make any less money. Following my heart will not come at a sacrifice of my quality of life, or the promise of a stable future for myself and my loved ones.

My writing is never tainted by money. I never have to change what I write about to fit an assignment. I never have to write about something I don’t care about.

I never have to create sensational or viral content solely to grow my online presence.

I never have to disingenuously engage with a reader because I’m trying to build a brand.

Instead, I am as real in-person as I am online.

Instead, my Writing Me is the only Me.

My reach grows organically and I never have to hide my blog or my thoughts or my history. I never have to worry about being discovered.

I only do work that is important to my purpose.

I only live to be me.

Loudly, authentically me.

***

Photo courtesy of Pexels (Simon Migaj)