Pont des Arts footbridge in Paris.

When dealing with exes, some people say, “the best revenge is to be happy.” While I understand the sentiment of focusing on your own life rather than meddling in your ex’s affairs, I don’t like the implication that one person’s wellbeing should double as another person’s affliction. It feeds into the far too common seesaw dichotomy of break-ups, where one person’s high necessitates the other person’s low. It’s the kind of unhealthy thinking that exploits an already hurtful separation, turning it into a reality TV-esque competition where mutual friends tune in to see who “wins” the break-up. How fucked up is that?

It’s natural to feel the pressure to bounce back at the end of a relationship–I’ve been there, I know it sucks–but I think it’s important to know that both parties “lose” at first. Regardless of who initiated the break-up or whether it was for the better, both parties will suffer in their own way. We may not see it through the pictures of their crazy, busy, spectacular lives, but social media can only bolster the fluff of our emotions. Everyone hurts, everyone reminisces, and everyone heals with time, but the inevitable and unglamorous mending process is not something you will see on your newsfeed.

On the bright side, both parties of a break-up win in the long-run. Relationships end for a reason and we should see it as an opportunity to find someone who is a better fit.  But the enlightenment phase comes long after the love-songs-are-four-minute-fuck-yous phase, which comes long after the “I hate [insert sex here]” phase. A break-up is tough enough in and of itself, so why do we make it even worse by fueling a dating culture that thrives on “out-happying” our exes?

The best revenge is to be happy.

The best outcome is to be happy for them.

When someone plays such a significant part of your past, there will always be a part of you that cares (or “gives a shit” to those who didn’t part amicably). It may not be love or even friendship between you now, but there was once a time when the two of you enjoyed shared happiness. That’s one of the best things about relationships: growing so close that you begin to live vicariously through one another–being excited by their successes and devastated by their failures as if they were your own.

Though the relationship may be over, we could all benefit from continuing the “wishing you well” attitude long after our romantic feelings fade. True inner peace and closure come from understanding that others, along with yourself, are deserving of happiness.

Everyone wins.

To the ex: We had some good times. May even better ones be in your future. Congratulations.